


Vanitas is Not a Power Ranger

by Taliax



Series: Vanitas Is Not Amused [1]
Category: Kingdom Hearts
Genre: Crack, Gen, He really does look like a Power Ranger doesn't he, Random Children OCs, The Author Regrets Nothing, This joke is probably old, Threats of Violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-03-29
Updated: 2012-03-29
Packaged: 2018-01-17 12:04:09
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,171
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1386961
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Taliax/pseuds/Taliax
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>...But there's a handful of little kids that think he is. And they won't leave him alone.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Vanitas is Not a Power Ranger

**Author's Note:**

> Hey look! Something that’s not another chapter of WYWTD! :O And I finally wrote something about Vanitas! :D So yeah, utter crackness. I tried to keep Vani somewhat IC, but then he just wants to kill everyone. *sigh* Oh well.

It had started out a fairly normal day. Xehanort, being the slave-driving Master he was, sent poor Vanitas to yet _another_ backwater world to spread his Unversed. As much as Vanitas enjoyed causing chaos and destruction, being a heart of pure darkness and all, even he got tired of the endless jaunts across the multiverse. Plus, Aqua had beaten him just yesterday, but Xehanort insisted on sending him out even though he was still exhausted. He hated to admit that she was almost a league above him. Almost.

Xehanort annoyed Vanitas more than losing to Aqua, though, and that was saying something.

“Someday I am going to beat that old man down until he gives me a vacation,” Vanitas muttered, directing hundreds of Floods to spread out among the tidy rows of red-bricked houses and manicured lawns.

He wouldn’t, though. Not until he was stronger. It was rather difficult to get stronger when he was constantly exerting energy creating minions of fledgling emotions and fighting Keyblade Masters.

Creating as many Unversed as he just had was exhausting. He wanted to destroy them for leaving him with so little energy, but that would’ve been counter-productive, so he grudgingly decided against it.

_Feels like this world already has plenty of its own negativity, at least._ He clutched the side of his helmeted head when he felt another force push through the darker emotions that he could sense. _Stupid light. Where’s it coming from?_

He followed the annoyingly painful signal, intending to send a swarm of Unversed at whatever was causing it. _Tank Topplers._ He grinned. _That’ll blow it up._

He tracked the light until he was across the street from a house that looked identical to all the other boring houses, except for one thing:

There were five small, spandex-clad, helmeted children running about the front yard and swinging toy swords at each other.

_They’re the idiots who can’t keep their light to themselves? And why in the name of Kingdom Hearts do they have tacky knock-offs of my outfit?_ Luckily Vanitas’s own suit was crafted of some amazing super-material similar to Kevlar, which was certainly _not_ spandex, because he would _never_ go out on evil excursions in something so ridiculous. He didn’t even need to mention the neon colors of their suits, colors that looked like they were picked out of a crayon box by a hyper child who adored bright, shiny things.

Well, Vanitas had just taken one look at them and he was already aggravated, and under that, confused and slightly curious. He tried to expel the emotions as Tank Topplers, but the confliction weakened them and they came out as puny Hareraisers.

_Oh, that’s just_ wonderful, Vanitas thought, rolling his eyes under his mask as he mentally gave the command for the Hareraisers to attack. Due to all the Unversed he had previously dispersed, they were sluggish in following orders. Vanitas sliced through a particularly slow one with his Void Gear as the others ambled across the street.

The children looked up at the sound of the ominous battle music starting to play. Vanitas heard the pink one squeal in terror before the yellow one yelled something and shoved her – he assumed it was a her, anyway . He figured the red, blue, and green ones were boys, and the yellow and pink ones were girls. Maybe having a mask himself was somehow helpful in guessing, or maybe he was just lucky, because all of his guesses were correct.

The red one bared his plastic sword and let out a wild battle cry that was cut off by a Hareraiser knocking him back about ten feet. Vanitas laughed at the resulting girly whining.

The blue, green, and yellow-clad children ganged up on a second Hareraiser, and surprisingly, actually managed to kill it. Vanitas started paying attention. They cried when they got hurt, but Yellow, who had avoided much injury, made them man up long enough to take out three more Unversed. The last one was currently squirming to get out of Pink’s arms and failing, a true testament to how little energy Vanitas had put into the creature.

_Idiots._ He still had enough energy to take out five little kids on his own, though, however much light they happened to have.

The kids noticed him as he strode across the street. Instead of being struck with fear like he intended, however, they bounced up and down and squealed like fangirls.

“He’s a Power Ranger!” Blue pointed.

Red peeled himself off the ground and joined in the excitement. “I knew they were real!”

“But Momma said…” Pink objected, eyeing Vanitas skeptically and petting the Hareraiser, who was failing to slap her with its ears.

“Moms don’t know anything!” Red objected her objection and substituted his own.

Yellow ignored their arguing and ran out into the middle of the road.

“Riley! Momma said to look both ways before crossing the street!” Pink yelled.

Arms spread wide, Yellow, A.K.A. Riley, plowed into Vanitas and glomped him to the pavement. He was too stunned to struggle as his helmet hit the hard surface with a loud _crack._ His Keyblade clattered across the cement and disappeared.

“Get off of me!” He tried to kick her away, but she had both his arms and legs pinned down.

“Oh my cheese, you’re the Black Ranger!” She squeed at a higher decibel than Vanitas thought was possible, nearly deafening him for life. He had a large desire to kill her already; now she would be tortured until he got bored, and _then_ killed. No, he took that back. _I’ll kill her quickly so her screams don’t bust my eardrums._

But he still couldn’t move. That was a problem. _Not to self: Don’t ever make that many Unversed at once, especially after fighting Aqua. Sure, that world with all the disgustingly cute forest animals I went to earlier needed it, but it’s not worth this._

Riley continued to babble “I love you I love you I love you!” so much that Vanitas wanted to puke, but that would’ve been a terrible thing to do inside his helmet, which she was attempting to pry off.

Green and Blue screamed something from across the road. Vanitas was too deaf and preoccupied to hear it, but he did hear the whooshing noise of one of this world’s metal monsters speeding towards him and Riley.

_We’re fine; they only drive on the roads._

His eyes widened.

_Idiot, you’re in the middle of the road!_

Spurred by adrenaline, he leapt up with Riley still clinging to him and dashed towards the other children. He tripped over the edge of the sidewalk and barrel rolled across the grass.

Red, Blue, Green, and Pink (still with the Hareraiser) swarmed Vanitas, who ended up _still_ on the ground under Riley, and on top of that, he was now dizzy and wanting to throw up even more.

“He saved Riley!”

“Did you see that? He did a barrel roll!”

“I could’ve done that.”

“No you couldn’t!”

“Could too!”

“Could not!”

“Could too!”

“ _SHUT UP_.” Vanitas growled, pushing Riley off of him. She was still breathing, but she hadn’t said a word, and Vanitas ironically couldn’t see her expression through her mask to tell if she was okay. Not that he cared if the dodging maneuver had hurt her. In fact, he’d be glad if it did.

The children were too busy arguing to hear him. While he tried to get their attention, Riley initiated her evil plot to reveal his face and ripped off his helmet.

Vanitas stared for a moment, jaw agape in shock before yelling, “Hey! Give it back!” just as childishly as if he was also one of the Power Ranger-cosplaying kids.

Riley jumped away from Vanitas, clutching his helmet to her chest and laughing maniacally as she ran across the lawn, trailed by her evil minions/friends (except Pink, who had her own helmet off and was busy trying to put her purple bow on the Hareraiser).

“Nya nya, you can’t catch me!” Riley called, passing the helmet to Blue as Vanitas lunged at her.

“Get back here!” Vanitas snarled to no avail.

A high-speed game of keep-away ensued. The children clearly didn’t know or didn’t care that Vanitas would just as soon rip out their throats as look at them, and they continued to dash about madly, tossing the helmet back and forth until he finally snatched it out of the air and crammed it back on his head.

Pink pouted. “But you have such a cute face! Do you think my face is cute?” She held the squirming Hareraiser under her chin, flipping her black hair out of her face and flashing a sweet smile. It would have easily evoked a “d’aww” from anyone but Vanitas. But Vanitas was Vanitas.

“No,” he deadpanned. “And my face isn’t cute either.”

“Yes it is,” Riley said matter-of-factly. “And your eyes are kinda pretty too. They’re all gold and sparkly like Ryan’s.”

The other kids began teasing her about having a crush on this Ryan person while she objected loudly, but Vanitas tuned them out.

_They know someone with enough darkness to have gold eyes? I guess their light could block out a lot of darkness from my sense, but how could anyone like me stand to be around these brats for long?_

“Oh! Hi, Ryan!” Pink dropped the Hareraiser and waved as a slightly taller gold-suited kid without a helmet slammed the house door and walked out, a plastic sword slung over his shoulder. Vanitas took the opportunity to summon his keyblade and kill the Unversed.

“Who’re you?” Ryan asked, narrowing his golden eyes at Vanitas and sniffing. “You’re not from around here.”

Vanitas smirked, noting Ryan’s haughty sneer and spikey blonde hair. _Now here’s a kid I can deal with._ “Finally, _someone_ has at least a little common sense.”

Pink looked confused. “But I thought you were a Power Ranger. Ian said so.”

“I still say he’s a Power Ranger,” Ian/Blue defended. “He might be one from a different world, like wherever Ryan came from.”

“Of course he’s not a Power Ranger,” Ryan scoffed. “They’re overrated wimps. This guy looks like he could kick their butts.”

“Power Rangers are cool!” Red objected.

“Shut up, Alex,” Ryan shot back.

“You’re not supposed to say ‘butt!’ Or ‘shut up!’” Pink scolded.

“You just did, Kaitlyn.”

“Hmph.” Pink/Kaitlyn pouted at being outsmarted, crossing her arms. The other kids grumbled but let it slide pretty easily.

“Why are you wearing one of those costumes if you think they’re stupid?” Vanitas ignored the butt-kicking indirect compliment and filed away the fact that Ryan was an outworlder away for later.

Ryan rolled his eyes, cuffing Green over the head much harder than necessary. “My doofus brother Michael begged me to play with him and his friends, and Mom made me dress up like them.”

“I’m not a doofus!” Michael/Green’s objection was ignored.

Vanitas pulled out a hazy memory from when he was part of Ventus: moms could force you to do whatever they wanted, no matter how much you argued. Of course, if Vanitas had a mom, and said mom tried to make him wear something so ridiculous, Vanitas would’ve punched her in the face.

Granted, Ryan was, though taller than the other kids, still too short to face-punch most people.

“Hmph.” Vanitas banished his keyblade and crossed his arms. “And you’re from another world?”

“You are too, aren’t you?” Ryan grinned. “I knew I couldn’t be the only one.”

“I never said yes,” Vanitas said.

“Nobody but dorks and outsiders wear clothes like that, and I can tell you’ve got too much darkness to be a dork.”

_He can sense darkness too?_ Vanitas’s curiosity got the best of him.

“I’ve got some questions for you kiddies. Answer them and I might think twice about bashing your heads in.”

XXX

Other than digging up some of Ryan’s past (only ‘some’ because none of them knew much about how he got to this world, not even Ryan himself), most of Vanitas’s questions had ended up being about the children’s obsession: Power Rangers.

One thing led to another, and eventually Vanitas was invited inside for birthday cake (as it was Michael’s birthday) and ice cream, Vanitas’s personal weakness. Probably a weakness inherited from Ventus. Michael and Ryan’s mom was kind enough to let Vanitas eat as much of the frozen dessert as he wanted, probably because she thought he had some connection to Ryan and didn’t want to offend him. It was a smart choice.

The dark keyblade-wielder was lounging contently on the couch, his mask dissolved so he could reach a spoon to his mouth.

“Hey Vani!” Riley called, interrupting his ice cream-gorging by plopping down in his lap and knocking his bowl aside.

He tried to scoop his fourth helping of ice cream off the couch and back into his bowl. “The name’s _Vanitas._ Now get off before I slit your throat.”

Riley crossed her arms, not budging. “I’ll get Michael’s mommy on you.”

“Whatever.” Vanitas pushed her over onto the other side of the couch. “What do you want?”

“You should watch Power Rangers with us!” She bounced up and down, shaking the couch obnoxiously. At the mention of the TV show, the other kids flooded in, trailed by a bored-looking Ryan. They had all taken off their plastic helmets to eat dessert, so Vanitas could see their hyper facial expressions.

“Yeah! It’ll be fun!” Ian interjected, his brown eyes practically shaking in their sockets from all the sugar he’d eaten.

“Whatever.” Vanitas yawned. He really just wanted to eat his delicious cookie dough ice cream, but maybe if he complied they’d leave him alone. Plus, he was still a little curious about the people whose outfits were similar to his, though he wouldn’t admit it.

“We should watch Dino Thunder since the Black Ranger’s in it,” Alex said, grabbing the remote.

“There’s a Black Ranger in RPM, too,” Ian pointed out. “And some of the other Power Rangers…”

Alex turned on the TV and went to Netflix. “I like Wild Force better.”

Ryan snorted and took a seat that left the most space between him and the other children. “Prepare to lose a few thousand brain cells.”

XXX

“And I thought Terra was the dumbest thing I’d ever seen,” Vanitas said in disgust. “Those ‘villains’ deserved to be killed by the Power Rangers for their stupidity. Not that those heroes were much better. How can any of you stand to watch this?”

“Morons enjoy watching other morons,” Ryan said.

“I like the explosions!” Alex said, ignoring Ryan.

“Yeah! And the Zords! They’re giant robots that punch stuff!” Michael grinned and punched the couch to demonstrate.

“I like how the nice people always win,” Kaitlyn said, making Vanitas gag.

Riley shrugged, pushing her blonde hair behind her ear. “The swords are pretty cool.”

Ryan rolled his eyes. “See what I mean?”

Vanitas nodded. “I’m gonna need a new suit now. Nobody should confuse me with a _Power Ranger._ ” Tossing his spoon and bowl onto the carpet, he stood up to walk out of the house.

“Wait!” Alex called, and the mob of kids rushed to catch up with Vanitas. Riley was so overeager that she tackled his legs and knocked him face-first onto the floor, giving his cheek a carpet burn.

“Don’t go yet!” She cried. Vanitas tried to kick her off, but the other kids (with the exception of Ryan) sat on his back.

“Stay! Stay!” Alex chanted.

“Stay! Stay! Stay! Stay!” Ian and Michael joined in.

“Pleeeeeease?” Kaitlyn begged, batting her eyelashes.

“Pfft, no way. I’d rather get my butt kicked by Aqua.” Vanitas flipped onto his back, squishing the kids so their grip loosened and he could jump up. He made a dash for the door.

“You’re not supposed to say ‘butt!’” Kaitlyn yelled, but surprisingly, it was Ryan who chased after him this time, outrunning the other children by far. He caught up to Vanitas just as he flung the door open and reached the porch. Vanitas grabbed him by the back of his collar and dragged him around the side of the house.

“What do _you_ want?” Vanitas demanded. All the other kids were just plain idiots, but he didn’t know why Ryan, who was at least less of an idiot, would want him to stay.

Ryan stared at his toes. “…I wanted to come with you. I don’t like being surrounded by morons.”

_Oh._ Vanitas could actually sympathize with that a little bit, though he didn’t want to. He wasn’t used to feeling sympathy. It felt kind of squirmy in his chest, like something had wormed its way down in there. Besides, Xehanort would kill him if he brought back some random little kid.

But… well, it wouldn’t hurt to help out another being of darkness. Maybe it would make the squirminess go away.

“Hold out your hand.”

“Why?”

“Just shut up and do it, before I change my mind.”

Vanitas summoned Void Gear as Ryan obeyed. He didn’t remember the exact words of the ceremony that granted him the keyblade when he was part of Ventus, but he could improvise.

“Take this keyblade, and when you’re bigger, it’ll be yours to beat all those idiots up with,” Vanitas said, handing Ryan the hilt.

“Really?” Ryan asked eagerly, gold eyes shining. “I can beat people up?”

Vanitas nearly facepalmed at the kid’s excitement, but at least it was for an evil cause. “You’ll be doing everyone a favor by breaking those losers in.”

“Cool!” Ryan fist-pumped the air, then saw the look of annoyance Vanitas was shooting him. “I mean, cool,” he said nonchalantly, pretending that it wasn’t a big deal to have been passed on a mystical weapon by a warrior of darkness.

Vanitas rolled his eyes and opened a corridor. “Don’t let the morons’ light get to you. The worlds need more dark keyblade wielders.”

Ryan nodded. “I’ll be the best keyblade wielder ever, just like you.”

For some reason Vanitas didn’t understand, he found himself ruffling the kid’s hair. “Don’t get too good, or I’ll have to kill you.”

Ryan snickered a bit even though Vanitas was completely serious. “But if I’m better, I’ll be able to kill you!”

“Heh, I doubt it.”

Vanitas walked towards the corridor, making his mask phase back over his face.

“Will you ever come back here?” Ryan asked.

“No.”

With that, Vanitas left.

XXX

“Xehanort!” Vanitas yelled, emerging from the corridor into the Keyblade Graveyard. “I’m sick of this stupid suit!”

“Too bad,” the old man replied. “I’m not about to go to Wal-Mart and waste my munny when you have perfectly functional clothing.”

“Then I’ll go naked! I don’t want to look like a dumb Power Ranger!”

Xehanort laughed (though it sounded more like a wheeze). “Power Ranger? You’ve seen _Power Rangers_?   I thought you would be above that.”

“…I’m gonna go buy myself some new clothes.”

**Author's Note:**

> Well, Xehanort doesn’t let him get any. Poor Vanitas. xP 
> 
> I actually have a lot more of Ryan’s backstory thought out than was necessary. It’s… Really depressing, actually. And it involves Xehanort. It’d be too long and complicated to explain in an author’s note, but I’ll write it out somewhere if anyone really wants to know.
> 
> Happy Dream Drop Distance Japanese Release Day, everyone! :D
> 
> (And lol, today's the 2 year anniversary of when I posted this fic on FFN. XD)


End file.
